I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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