wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
