apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
