Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She bit a glass in half.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
