You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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