dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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