Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
