I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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