I've blown a few things in my day
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
