i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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