I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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