I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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