So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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