We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
