Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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