Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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