Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
