i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Randomize
