So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
