Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
