whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
