Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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