really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
