He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
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