Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
