My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
