Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I was not drunk enough for that final.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
