you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
