Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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