It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize