i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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