So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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