apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
