4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize