Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
