I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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