I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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