After last night, I could never be a politician.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
