My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
