my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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