I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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