I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
