I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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