i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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