Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
