Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
