My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
even my farts smell like vagina
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
