Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
