Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
