Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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