life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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