the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
we should paint friendship bongs
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