And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
